05.02.2025
6 minutes
By Greg White,
Verified by Igor Kamenev
Intimacy, security, respect, good communication, and a sense of being valued are essential elements of a healthy relationship. While many people understand these components in theory, few truly know how to cultivate them in their daily interactions. Despite extensive research on relationship dynamics, there remains a gap in education on how to build and sustain healthy romantic relationships.
Often, people only seek relationship guidance when it's too late. Couples therapy is a valuable tool, but by the time many couples seek help, destructive patterns have already taken root. Premarital education is another attempt at relationship preparation, but it comes too late in another sense—people have already chosen their partner, and no amount of guidance can compensate for a poor choice.
A more effective approach would be to teach relationship skills much earlier, helping individuals understand their needs, make better partner choices, and develop essential relational skills from the outset. This proactive approach could prevent many common relationship pitfalls and promote long-term well-being.
To address this issue, a skills-based model of relationship functioning has been developed, centered on three key skills: insight, mutuality, and emotion regulation. Together, these skills form the foundation of romantic competence—the ability to navigate all aspects of relationships, from self-awareness to partner selection, conflict resolution, and maintaining long-term connection.
Insight is the ability to be aware, reflective, and learn from experiences. It involves understanding personal needs, recognizing behavior patterns, and anticipating consequences. With insight, individuals can:
Recognize the true source of their emotions (e.g., workplace stress instead of partner-related issues).
Understand their partner’s behavior in a realistic, non-personalized way.
Predict the outcomes of their actions, avoiding impulsive decisions like sending an angry text.
Learn from past mistakes, enabling growth and better future choices.
Identify the type of relationship that suits them—monogamous, open, or something else.
Mutuality is the ability to acknowledge that both partners have needs and that those needs matter equally. It enables:
Clear, direct communication about needs and desires, increasing the likelihood of fulfillment.
A willingness to support a partner’s well-being, even when it requires personal compromise.
Balanced decision-making that considers both partners’ perspectives.
For example, if one partner is invited to a stressful family event, they can openly ask their partner for support, rather than expecting unspoken understanding. Similarly, mutuality allows partners to navigate major decisions—such as job changes—while ensuring that the relationship remains a priority.
Emotion regulation is the ability to manage emotions effectively, preventing overreactions and maintaining perspective. This skill helps individuals:
Stay calm and avoid catastrophizing during conflicts.
Tolerate discomfort without reacting impulsively.
Make rational decisions rather than acting out of fear or anxiety.
Maintain self-respect and personal boundaries, even in difficult situations like breakups.
For example, waiting for a partner’s delayed text response can trigger anxiety. Emotion regulation allows an individual to avoid obsessive phone-checking and instead focus on other tasks, trusting that a response will come.
Consider a common scenario: a person tells their partner they don’t want a birthday gift, expecting their partner to intuitively understand that they actually do. When the partner takes the statement literally and doesn’t buy a gift, resentment builds, leading to conflict.
Had this individual applied romantic competence:
Insight would have revealed that they genuinely wanted a gift and that their partner tends to take words at face value.
Mutuality would have encouraged clear communication: “I know we’re saving for a trip, but I’d love that necklace we saw the other day.”
Emotion regulation would have helped manage any guilt or anxiety about making the request.
By using these skills, the person could have expressed their needs clearly, avoided conflict, and strengthened their relationship.
Studies have shown that romantic competence leads to healthier relationships and better mental health outcomes. Among 13- and 14-year-old girls, higher romantic competence was linked to:
Greater relationship security.
Lower rates of depressive symptoms.
More positive expectations about marriage.
More age-appropriate romantic behaviors and fewer risky sexual activities.
Similarly, in young adults (18-25 years old), romantic competence correlated with:
Increased relationship satisfaction.
Better decision-making and conflict resolution.
Improved ability to give and receive emotional support.
Lower levels of anxiety and depression.
These findings highlight that relationship skills impact not only relationship success but also overall psychological well-being.
The key takeaway is that relationship education should start early—before relationship problems arise. By teaching individuals how to:
Understand their needs and preferences.
Select compatible partners.
Make informed, confident relationship decisions.
Manage emotions and resolve conflicts constructively.
—people can build healthier, more fulfilling relationships from the beginning.
Romantic competence is not just about reducing negative behaviors like criticism, hostility, and poor communication. It’s about actively cultivating intimacy, respect, security, and emotional connection. By integrating these skills into everyday life, individuals can create stronger, more resilient relationships that stand the test of time.
